There’s nothing worse than that first big fight. Recently, a gal pal of mine knocked on my door at midnight with a bottle of wine and mascara streaked cheeks. “Mike and I had a fight”. Then she started bawling. I got out the wine glasses and poured the cheap merlot and she told me her story of woe.
“Mike caught me talking to that busboy that I work with and he accused me of cheating on him. I told him that I didn’t, that the busboy is, in fact married to one of the waitresses there, but then he called me a liar and said he’s never trusted me. I tried to talk it out, asked him where all these suspicions were coming from, but he was so angry that he kicked a chair and left”.
After hearing that, I promptly filled her wine glass to the brim and told her she could stay in my spare room until she found her own place. She accepted, but we’ll see if she’s ready to rejoin the single ladies club. I dated ONE guy like that, after our first fight, I broke it off. The thing with dating is that you don’t really know the person, until you see how they fight. If they become mean and threatening, get the hell out of there. If they talk it out, listen to your side of things and you feel better when the fight is over, he’s a keeper.
Here are a few tips on how to fight fair.
Tip one: see if it’s a good time to talk: I remember once, a boyfriend tried to bring up how much it annoyed him when I would borrow his deodorant, right after my brother told me he had cancer. Bad timing.
Tip two: Think before you speak. I’ve had moments of jealousy with guys in the past, where I’ve gotten pissed when I saw some girl post x’s and o’s on their facebook walls. But you know what? A guy has very little control over what someone writes on his wall. So even though I’ve been tempted to say something, usually I let that one slide, (although I will creep the girl and she who she is).
Tip three: Talk in “I” statements. Like, lets say he never does the dishes. Say “I feel like I do more than my shares of the dishes. It would make me feel more appreciated if things were more equal”. That way it’s not about what he’s doing wrong, more, what he could be doing to improve the situation.
Tip four: Don’t interrupt. If you want to help your partner feel comfortable opening up to you, you can’t interrupt. It’s hard for some people to share their feelings, make it easier on them by being a good listener.
Tip five: It’s ok to take ask for a little time. If a significant other drops a bomb on you, whether it’s that they’re no longer attracted to you, or they don’t want you to cook pork in the house anymore, it’s ok to ask for a moment to digest things. If they’re the ones asking for that moment, give it to them. Often when you’re really upset you’ll say things you wish you hadn’t. It’s better to take a breather and come back clear headed.
Fighting is a necessary part of any dating relationship. The best fights are the ones that are really just important talks. Raised voices and broken dishes aren’t necessary and can be damaging. Fight fair and not only will your relationship be better when the conflict is resolved, but you’ll also probably have a pretty good make up session as well.
